I keep on -everyday- getting out of bed. I still wear a bra. I always brush my teeth. I hug my son and say "I love you" because I do. I love him with all of my heart, every bit of my soul.

He is the only reason I do this. Day after day... I do this for Matthew.

I am exhausted

I am so tired of holding it all together; for the sake of everyone and everthing. I am exhausted, as an actor that is on stage 24/7, with no intermission.

I am not myself anymore. I don't even know who I am.

Am I pagan? A primative native? Would I live in a tribe, with fires and tents? Why do I hurt so much and have no time to heal?

I never wanted to be that mom

I never wanted to the Mom on the Lifetime orginal movie. The mom that runs out of steam half-way through motherhood. I don't love my kids any less; of course. So why (WHY?) am I so tired of my life?

Is it the kids? Work? Marriage? Why does it hurt my heart just to get out of bed? I put my feet on floor and I want to weep.

Escape is a fantasy. I will never leave these children. My spirit feels as if it is dying, after a long illness. I have left remission and the end is near.